November 21st 2017

It's been almost 2 weeks since the tragedy and I still feel like shit. I don't feel any excitement about anything; nor do I feel any emotion other than sadness or worthlessness. I haven't received any texts from anyone since yesterday which is same as my life a few months back. I still wake up at 4:30, hoping for a good morning text from her. I know it will probably never be there but I guess my heart is really stupid. 

I don't really know why I'm not angry at her. I just feel worthless; as if i was not good enough for her. I have had this feeling for quite a long time and this recent turn of events reinforced my insecurities regarding myself. I haven't achieved anything worthwhile. It feels as if I'm a burden on my parents. It seems as if I'm a burden on this world. Maybe I shouldn't exist. I don't know why people antagonize suicide. 

I still think about the time when Srijan had told me that she'd hover at the gates of heaven and try to catch a glimpse of me and her other loved ones. And the time when she had said that she'll wait for me when she gets there. So many memories! Every time I recall those my heart aches, it burns. I also think about the times when she would say that I'll fall in love with someone else and that it would devastate her. Ironically, the opposite happened. And I feel like shit.

It really sucks.