November 8th, 2017.

Ayye       

So it's the first day after the tragedy and I already feel like shit. 

Was she being serious? Or was it her anxiety speaking? Should I text her? Should I ask her to take me back? What will she think I don't even try? What would her response be if I text her today? How is she? Was she crying last night? Did she sleep or eat? Did she cut herself? Did I really hurt her by writing those things? Does she really think that I'm a bad person?

There are so many questions that haunt my mind and I don't seem to have any answers. But I do realize that I am clingy; that I want someone to take the bar for me. And I do realise that I have to take the wheel sometime. Last night when I was speaking to a friend about what had befallen, I could see what I was doing. I was clinging on to them, as if I wanted them to take my hand and lead me through the mess. This is what Srijan had been angry about; I don't want to take the responsibility. But at the same time, I think that it's probably because I didn't want to go wrong. But I do realise my fault. 

As of now, my chest hurts every time I think of the fact that I hurt her. It was the last thing I ever wanted to do, and I did it even without realising it. It's difficult to breath. I didn't get enough sleep last night because I kept dreaming of her and kept waking up to realise she has left me. I had cut myself yesterday and I scratched the wounds last night due to anxiety. They are still fresh; and keep reminding me what I did. 

Everything feels purposeless. I tried so hard to keep her happy. I was ready to sacrifice myself if she could be happy; because I still believe that she is an angel. She was so kind to the world that had given her nothing but pain and hate. Everything was taken away from her, but she kept on trying. And I ruined it further by being an idiot. It makes me sick. The thought of hurting her, the thought of making her crying makes me sick. 

It feels as if I'm losing my will to live. 

I still love her more than anything.